Day 24: How To Cook Like Heston. And Fail!

I’d seen Chef Heston Blumenthal’s brilliant food on MasterChef a few times and was dazzled absurd yet magical creations. He is a food illusionist!

Of late, I had been hearing quite a bit about his new tv show, 'How To Cook Like Heston', in which the magician reveals his secrets. So a couple of days ago I finally watched a few episodes of the show. Each episode is focused on one classic ingredient, and several ways to cook with it.

The way he simplifies the trickiest of food feats with just a little scientific deconstruction is so inspiring, that I couldn’t wait to try some of his methods myself.

My friend had recently made the most heavenly lemon tart I have ever eaten, using his recipe from the Eggs episode, and I was convinced that his methods worked. So Eggs was one of the episodes I watched.

As I watched, I started craving perfectly poached eggs with a gorgeously gooey yolk. So I set out to make myself a dinner of poached eggs on toast, a la Heston. And while I was at it, I also decided to try my hand at making mayonnaise (another recipe from the Eggs episode).

A still from the episode

First the mayo. This is something I have always wanted to try making at home. A friend’s grandmom makes the best mayo, and every time I ate it I would promise myself that I would make some one day! But I also thought it was an extremely tricky item to make at home, and required a lot of precision and care. And then along came Heston, coolly saying “Don’t be scared of mayo... and trust the power of the egg”! He demonstrated how a single egg yolk could hold an entire liter and a half of oil before it finally gave way and split into a goopy mess! So I thought, maybe it isn’t all that tricky after all…

So I took an egg yolk, a cup of oil and a whisk, and began. I cautiously poured a stream of oil into the yolk whilst beating it continuously. And it was working! The yolk began to become a lighter, creamier shade of yellow, turning into a smooth, luscious emulsion. After about half a cup of oil, the mixture seemed to be getting a little thick and wobbly with every drip I added. Getting worried that it would become too thick, I decided to stop adding oil, and season the mayo. So in went some salt, some hot English mustard and finally some vinegar. As I added the vinegar, the mayo suddenly became a whitish colour. Worried that the acetic acid would cause the emulsion to spilt, I frantically whipped the contents of the bowl, only to find it mixing up perfectly, leaving the mayo even smoother, looser. What a relief! Not to mention, the vinegar added that mild characteristic tang without which mayo is incomplete. So that was done. And I was pretty thrilled with my result!

Confident with my mayo success, I began with the poached eggs. I had poached eggs in soup before with fair success, so I was pretty sure I could manage this too, and it would be even easier with Heston’s scientific tricks.

I heated some water, and when it began to bubble gently, I dropped a plate into the base of the pot (like Heston demonstrated) to keep the egg away from the direct heat of the flame. Then I cracked an egg onto a ladle with holes, just like he does on the show, to drain off any bit of egg white that may be runny and watery, as it would cause little stringy bits around the poached egg. Except that when he did it, the egg perfectly retained 90% of its white on the ladle, and when I did it, most of the white slipped right through the holes leaving me with mostly yolk!

Undeterred by this first little hurdle, I dropped the egg (or what was left of it anyway) into the hot, but not boiling, water. A few seconds later the water reached a rolling boil stage, and since there was a plate between the base of the pot where the bubbles form and the surface of the water where the bubbles escape, the water began to violently hiccup as the air bubbles tried to escape from under the plate!

It was just a bit startling at first, but then the real problem arose. The violent hiccups were like rough waves to the delicate semi-cooked egg, causing it to get disturbed and break up in the water. Most of the whites got spread through the hot water, creating one royal mess! I took out the underdone egg from the water, afraid the yolk would spilt too, and I gave up the idea of a beautiful poached egg on toast for that night’s meal.

Egg whites everywhere! 

By now I was pretty hungry. But I still had my lovely mayo, so I could throw together a quick mayo and tomato sandwich, right? Wrong!!

In the past twenty minute, while I had struggled with the poaching fiasco, the mayo had lost its lightness, and while it was still silky in texture it had become viscous and congealed. I whipped it a little and this seemed to loosen it up again, but only for a few seconds, after which it would turn viscous again. And finally, with one last whipping, the mayo just spilt…

Disaster upon disaster. And I was left with no dinner! In the end, I made myself a simple sandwich with some of the leftover tomato compote, washed it down with a glass of cold coffee, and called it a day.

So much for the seamless simplicity that Heston portrays… What did I do wrong??